The Insane World of HP
by The Enchanted Cheesy Soybean
Summary: Looking for a spectacular good read? here it is. Follow Harry in his altered 5th year as crazy stuff begins to happen when students shut their brains off. Harry thinks he's a puppet? Hermione eats books? Ron thinks he's a jedi? Intrigued? Than click.
1. chappy 1: Beginning of a Strange Year

Tehe! My first submitted story! I'm happy. This is actually completed, and I'm

working on a sequel...soooo...

for you rapturous pleasure...

The real world of…

Harry Potter

We begin on a dark night, with a dark purpose…

"Hello Harry! How was your summer?" Hermione asked her pre-depressed friend.

"Well-" Harry started, before he was cut off by a bubbly Hermione.

"Mine was great! First, we went-"

Harry signed; the second Hermione had come onto the train compartment she was positively skipping.

Ron sent him a sympathetic look and mouthed, "Hopeless".

After the long ride, made even longer by Hermione's complete summer dialogue, the trio slumped down onto their appropriate bench in the Great Hall. Well, all except for Hermione, who just bounced.

"Really Hermione! Can't you sit still?" Ron asked, worried about his friends' mental stability.

Hermione turned from her empty plate to look at Ron.

"No, I can't. I'm going to the library. I'll see you both in the common room!"

Hermione said as she gathered her things and ran off to the library.

"Bloody barmy that one." Roan said to Harry, piling up his plate with food; evidently thinking that he had to eat for Hermione as well. Harry shook his head at his friends, he decided to not think for the rest of the night; and then perhaps he could make sense of Hermione's 'barmyness'.

But that was his first mistake…

**In the library-**

"Books! Books! Beautiful books!" Hermione sang as she pushed a Walmart cart (yeah! That's right, Walmart. Not Target, or Food City, or Piggly Wiggly, but Walmart) Ahem, as it was:

As she pushed a Walmart cart down the book isles. Once Hermione turned the corner, a spotlight was put on her and she began a song with a choreographed dance number; the books all started to dance the can-can and jumped into her Walmart cart. Thankfully, I am an authoress and not a composer, so you don't have to hear the song.

Back to Harry and Ron-

"Hey Harry." Ron said a she turned to Harry, who was eating treacle tart.

"What?"

"Do you think that there's a reason Hermione is insane?

"I dunno. Ask her." Harry said as Hermione bounced back to the bench.

"How was the library Hermione?" Ron asked as Hermione sipped on her pumpkin juice.

_FLASHBACK_

Hermione finished her song with a flourish, belting out the last note until all the windows broke.

The books just proclaimed madam Pince dead, she surely would've heard that.

All the happy books cheered when Hermione finished her song. No one had ever sung about them before.

"She must really love us!" one book remarked to another as Hermione took a bow.

Hermione was happy! The books were happy! The cart was happy! (As happy as a cart can be) The books started dancing!

But then, like a bad horror movie; Hermione changed drastically.

She eyed all the books predatorily.

The books didn't notice and kept dancing.

All the sudden, Hermione pounced; grabbing the nearest book and ripping the binding with her teeth.

The books screamed and scattered, trying to get away from the book-eating menace.

The poor book that she was maculating screamed for help, but was quickly devoured. The beast that was Hermione ran after the rest of her prey.

_END FLASHBACK_

"It was just lovely!" Hermione said as she continued to sip her juice….with an evil smirk.

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	2. chappy 2: Is that a Puppet?

Here's chapter two:

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**In the common room-**

"Oy Harry!" Fred and George called as the trio entered the common room.

Harry stopped to talk to the twins as Hermione and Ron continued into the common room.

"So, notice the change in Hermione?" Fred asked Harry when the three of them found a place in the common room where they wouldn't be interrupted.

Harry glanced over to Hermione, who was playing wizard chess with Ron,.

"Who wouldn't?"

"Well, me an' George here-"

"Asked her why she was-"

"So…-"

"Different." They said as one.

"And she said-" George continued.

"That she just took up-"

"A new hobby." George finished.

Harry shrugged. "So? What does that have to do with me?"

Fred and George shared a look and said, "You need one."

**In the dorms-**

After Harry had talked to Fred and George, he went up to his dorm to try and kill some time somehow.

But he couldn't think of anything to do, mainly because he shut his brain off when he didn't want to think and therefore hopefully understand Hermione's barmyness.

Harry sighed.

"There's bloody nothing to do."  
"Yes there is." A squeaky voice answered.

Harry jumped so high that he knocked over his canopy.

"W-who's there?" he called as he searched the room, trying to find whatever, or whomever, spoke.

"It's me!" The squeaky voice answered, it was very close.

Harry opened his trunk, and said,

"Who's me?"  
"I'm Harry Potter!"

And that was the last thing Harry heard, before everything went black.

**The next day, in the Great Hall-**

"Ron, have you seen Harry?" Hermione said as she bounced into her seat.

She had just come from the library.

Ron turned from his food, "I haven't seen him all morning."

**In the dorms-**

"Have to sew that…there that's right…fix the yarn…"

Harry muttered as he worked, seemingly in a trance.

"I can't see!" the squeaky voice said.

"Hang on." Harry said as he pulled two buttons off of one of Dudley's ugly sweaters.

sew, sew, sew

"There! All done." Harry said as he held up his creation.

"I am Harry Potter!" said the squeaky voice.

**In the hall-**

"Ron, look there's Harry!" Hermione said as she pointed to their friend.

"Oy Harry!" Ron called.

Hermione and Ron ran to catch up to him. Harry turned around, and held up…

A puppet?

"Uh…hi Harry." Ron said as his eyes flicked back and forth from Harry to the puppet.

Hermione didn't seem to notice it.

"Where were you at breakfast, Harry?"

Instead of answering like a normal person, Harry made the puppet (which was a sock) speak.

"Hi, I'm Harry Potter."

Instead of thinking he lost his marbles, like any sane person would, Hermione said, "It's nice to meet you Harry. Come on you two. We have to get to class."

Hermione and Harry (with his puppet) walked off to class.

Ron then decided to shut his brain off, then he might be able to understand them.

But that was his first mistake….of many.

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Sorry that the chappies are short, but keep in mind that they're chopped up in a certain way for a reason. cough hack cough yes...

Snape- When am I going to be added in your pointless drabble?

me- pssh. Not ever if you're going to be like that. hurrumph.

Snape- Good.

me- looks at him suspiciously Did you just use reverse psychology on me?

Snape- I would never.

me- uh huh. Just for that I'm putting you in the next chapter.

Snape-

me- tssk tssk tssk. Such language. I'm going to leave your fate up to the cheese nymphs who reside on the moon.

Snape- ...

Like the story? Reviews welcome.


	3. chappy 3: What Just Happened to Snape?

ooh dear. Almost forgot.

Harry Potter in no way, shape or form belongs to me.

Snape- There now, is that so hard?

Me- sob YES! cries on his shoulder

Me & Snape- jerk away and make disgusted noises

Me- aaak! THE GREASE!

Snape- The slumish foreign substances!

Me- Hold me TOM FELTON! glomps him

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In potions-

Snape stalked into the room, billowing his robes in almost an unnatural manner.

"Turn in your books to page 647, and then you will take notes on the chapter."

He said as he sat down at his desk, grading papers.

After opening her book, Hermione sniffed the pages lovingly.

Normally, Ron would have stared at her like she was crazy; but, since his brain was shut off, he wasn't.

Instead, he was thinking (as much as a person can with their brain shut off) or what his purpose was.

Who was he really?

Having noticed the odd way the trio was acting (Ron actually thinking, Hermione gnawing at her book, and …What was Potter doing!); Snape went over to their table.

"Potter? Why aren't you doing the assignment?"

He asked as he eyed Hermione, who was still happily chewing on her book, with distaste.

Harry, who was under the desk and holding up his Harry sock puppet, made the puppet answer, "I am doing the assignment, sir."

He said in a high, squeaky voice.

Snape massaged his temples, a migraine was coming on.

It was then that he noticed something; beside Harry's book (which was opened to page 647) was a foot of notes.

Snape blinked.

NEVER has Potter written a foot of notes, without writing so big that you could barely tell what it was he was trying to write, that is.

Like others before him, Snape shut his brain off. It was not a wise move on his part, and he was told so promptly.

Neville pointed to Snape's nose. "S-sir."

Snape rolled his eyes, "What is it Longbottom?"

Now that all of the student's attention was on the professor, all of them gasped….and tried to hold in ferocious fits of giggles.

Snape eyed them all suspiciously, then turned to Neville.

"Well? What is it!"

Neville was either trembling, or nearly bursting from wanting to laugh.

All he managed was a small, "Y-your nose."

Snape waved his wand and conjured a mirror.

His eyes went wide.

The student's couldn't take it anymore, they all burst out laughing.

Seamus Finnegan had laughed so hard he fell out of his chair and was rolling around on the floor.

Snape stared at his nose….it was a….

Potato?

Snape smashed the mirror on the floor, and glared at all the students.

The room went absolutely silent, except for the occasional giggle.

"Who…did….THIS!" He screamed as he pointed to his nose.

The room erupted into new fits of laughter, this time Seamus wasn't the only one on the floor.

Snape ran from the room, he needed to find a counter spell and fast.

Then he had a thought, How can I even breath?

But, alas poor Snape, he was not acquainted with the rules of turning your brain off.

When someone turns their brain off, they cannot have a thought, idea, or opinion when the brain is dysfunctional; if they do, they therefore are left at the mercy of the cheese nymphs.

**On the moon-**

"What should we do with this one?" One of the nymphs asked another from their lookout post on the moon (which is cheese).

The other shrugged.

"Why not turn him into a giant potato? His nose is already one."

The first nymph nodded, it was a good idea.

**In Snape's room-**

He turned into a giant potato.

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Me- claps at my genius Tehe! points at Snape You're a potato!

Snape- rolls his potato eyes

Me- sigh wipes the tears of mirth from the corners of my eyes Such a joy it is to make you suffer.

Snape- can only roll his potato eyes

Me-What a day it has been, what a rare mood I'm in. Why it's almost like bein' in love. thinks about it hmm...y'know...not really. Reviews are like candy. And candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. hic. It is up to you points to figure out what that means.


	4. chappy 4: An Unusual Quidditch Match

Never fear persons, places, and things ... here is chapter ...er...four? ...yes, four!

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**On the Quidditch field-**

It was time for the Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff game. Everyone was in the crowds and cheering.

But something was holding the game up, the Hufflepuffs were all ready to go, but the Gryffindors were still in their locker room.

**In the Gryffindor locker room-**

"But Madam Hooch, I can play!" The Harry puppet said aided by the real Harry, of course.

Hooch sighed, she just didn't need this.

"Alright, alright. You can play with that….puppet."

"I'm not a puppet, I'm Harry Potter!"

Hooch just rolled her eyes, but then she spotted another insane case.

Ron was standing next to his broom, with a ….box on his shoulders?

"Weasley, what are you doing?"

She asked as Ron adjusted his arms through two holes in the box.

"Fixing my hover car." He answered.

Hooch stared at him, he stared right back.

"I have no time for your shenanigans, let's just play Quidditch."

She said as she returned to the field, eager to just get the game underway.

**On the field-**

Everyone was cheering with twice the vigor when the Griffindor team arrived on the field.

But what was up with Harry and Ron?

Harry seemed to be holding up a puppet and making it bow…and Ron had a box on his shoulders.

On the side of his box, in bold, messy handwriting, was the words 'hover car'.

He was also holding was appeared to be a short piece of plastic.

"Mount your brooms." Hooch said as the Hufflepuff team was eyeing Harry and Ron.

When Ron mounted his broom, the box covered it, and looked like he was a flying box with a head and arms.

The game had started.

Harry, and his puppet, started to circle around the field, looking for the snitch.

They occasionally would talk to each other and make suggestions on where to go.

**Back to Ron-**

There was something very strange going on with Ron. He stayed directly in front of the middle post and didn't move…at all.

The Hufflepuffs decided that now was a perfect time to try and make a goal.

One of their chasers sped toward the Gryffindor goal posts with the quaffle.

Fred and George tried to hit the bludger toward him, but missed.

The crowd seemed to freeze when the chaser took the shot.

It was heading toward the right goal post, and fast.

Like lightning, Ron seemed to catch it with ease, shooting his arm out and catching the quaffle with one hand.

The chaser was stunned, that was just impossible.

The Hufflepuffs were so surprised, that they all left their positions and flew to where they're chaser still was.

Ron shifted his eyes to each Hufflepuff in turn, then, like he had a sudden stroke of insanity; Ron lashed out his short piece of plastic, whipped it to his side, and a long, shiny light appeared.

The Hufflepuffs just stared, what was he doing?

All the sudden, music started playing, it was the song that played when Quigon-Gin was fighting Darth Maul, Duel of the Fates.

Ron lashed out at the Hufflepuffs with flexibility, slashing them with his…

Lightsaber.

The Hufflepuffs tried to fly away; But Ron cut the tail end of their brooms and sliced them all in half.

When all of the Hufflepuffs were dead, Ron yelled out to the crowd, "I am Obe-Ron Kenobi. Fear my Jedi powers!"

The crowd just stared.

Ron stared.

Harry's puppet stared.

Then, Lee Jordan's voice rang throughout the field, "Harry's puppet has caught the snitch!"

The crowd cheered, Ron's incident currently forgotten.

**In the Great Hall-**

"Oh Harry you were brilliant!" Hermione congratulated Harry..er..Harry's puppet.

"Thank you." His puppet said as he tried to eat soup, and ended up scalding Harry's hand.

"OW! Watch what you eat Harry. You nearly burnt my hand off!" Harry screamed in his puppet's face.

It was then that Ron entered the Great Hall.

The doors burst open.

But no one had pushed them. (In case you hadn't guessed, Ron used the force)

Instead of wearing his normal Hogwarts robes, Ron was wearing brown robes that were short and had pants tucked into his black boots. He also was sporting his lightsaber, which was strapped in his belt.

Hermione waved him over, "Over here Obe-Ron!"

Ron, with his hands in his sleeves, walked over to Hermione and sat down.

The only thing he would eat was grapes.

Like you could have guessed, there was no one at the Hufflepuff table. All of them had gone home the minute after the match was over, for fear of being killed by Obe-Ron.

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Me- Next up: Something unusual happens to our favorite slytherin. mmyes.

Snape- I hope it's nothing perverted.

Me- pssh. Get your mind out of the gutter old man. I'm not like that.

Snape- (rolls eyes) Sure.

Me- I'm not!

Snape- Be silent. Keep your foul tongue behind your teeth.

Me- (gasp) I'd never have guessed you to be a Gandalf lacky.

Snape- I'm not a lacky. Merely quoting.

Me- uh huh. Reviews make the world go round. You don't want us to be stuck in one season do you?

Oh, and sorry for killing off the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. It came to mind in my fit of randomness. If you would like, we could pretend he just mortally wounded them? Yes? Would that help any? At all? Maybe some?


	5. chappy 5: The Strangest Dinner Ever pt1

Ready for my favorite chapter?

Hold on to your hat, cause this one's so outrageously strange that a burst of wind will emit from your computer.

Snape- That made no sense.

Me- Ssh. People are trying to read.

Snape- It doesn't matter if we speak or not because people are READING this. They can't hear us.

Me- That's what you think. (eye twitches)

Snape- ...

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**At the Slytherin table-**

"Look at saint Potter." Draco said, spitting when he said 'Potter'.

Pansy rolled her eyes.

"Will you ever think about me? I'm much more fun to think about Draky-poo!"

Pansy cooed as Draco completely ignored her.

"That's it. I'm sick of it." Draco said as he promptly shut his brain off.

**On the moon-**

"Wow, that's the fifth one today."

**In the Great Hall-**

All attention was brought to the Slytherin table when Draco had jumped on the table and was chewing out the 'golden trio'.

What kept their attention though, was that he suddenly started to shrink.

Not only did he shrink, but he turned into a chibi.

All of the girls immediately 'aww'd at him.

Draco looked around uneasily, every girl, except for the professors and Hermione, were giving him sparkly eyes.

"What?" He asked in his new, coughadorablecough voice.

If possible, their eyes got even bigger.

Deciding to ignore his new fangirls, Draco continued to chew out the trio; but since he had a new voice….that was not the least bit threatening, it wasn't really working.

All of the guys at the Gryffindor table started laughing uproariously, Harry and Ron the most; but Harry's was weird and high-pitched, causing Ron to use his Jedi mind tricks and make him stop.

Draco was fuming. How dare they have the nerve to laugh at a Malfoy!

"My father will kill you!" He said as threatening as possible, which wasn't at all.

The Gryffindors just laughed harder, except for Harry and Ron.

Suddenly, to everyone's surprise, Lucious appeared and promptly killed all of the Gryffindor boys (other than Harry and Ron), and then disappeared.

Draco crossed his arms, "Ha!" He said in an 'I told you so' manner.

In case thing weren't weird enough, Snape (the giant potato), rolled into the great hall. Everyone started at him, and then stared at the new person who suddenly appeared on the Hufflepuff table.

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Me- ooh! Who appeared? Who who who?

Snape-... you should know.

Me- huh? Why?

Snape- Because you wrote this slum prudery.

Me- ah...so i did.

Snape- (rolls eyes)

Me- You know...I bet you could eventually roll your eyes completely around if you did that enough.

Snape- That's impossible.

Me- No it isn't. Try it.

Snape- (sighs) This is ridiculous. (rolls eyes to the back of his head) AAH!

Me- tehe! See?

Snape- ...

Me- So...what's in there? Is it a hampster? Or is it the strange pink thing that all the scientists say? Or is it gears?

Snape- it's...it's...

Me- yeeeeeeeeeeeesss?

Snape- I guess you'll just have to wait and see.

Me- poop.

Snape- It's only fair. You made a cliff hanger so now I get to. (rolls his eyes back)

Me- (sigh) There you have it. Two cliffys in one chapter.


	6. chappy 6: The Strangest Dinner Ever pt2

Me- Welcome to the final installment of The Insane World of HP. If you wish to make a donation to the help-Strangly-find-a-life foundation, press the number 2 on your keyboard. If you would like to send a conviction notice (if you know where I live) press 4. If you would like to burn me with an insult, or fire, or some sort of combustible substance, press 10.

Snape- 10 isn't a number on the keyboard.

Me- yes it is. (points to it)

Snape- How did that get there?

Me- (rolls eyes) Haven't you seen a keyboard before.

Snape- Yes! But that isn't supposed to be there! Two digit numbers are created by typing in each individual number.

Me- pssh. Each individual number? HA! How ridiculous, what ever gave you that idea?

Snape- (sigh) Why am I even talking to you?

Me- No clue. Here is the last chap, chum. Chappy chum. eh chap? Chummy chap chap.

Snape- Will you desist?

Me- eh?

Snape- Stop. Cease. Withdraw. Quit.

Me- ok ok.

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(The beginning paragraph is from the previous chapter)

In case thing weren't weird enough, Snape (the giant potato), rolled into the great hall. Everyone started at him, and then stared at the new person who suddenly appeared on the Hufflepuff table.

It was Voldemort.

"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHHAHHAAAAAAAHHAHAHHHAHHAHAAAAA! At last I have you, Harry Potter!" Voldemort said as he pointed his wand at Harry.

Harry's puppet said, "It's not very nice to point."

Voldemort stared.

Ron stared.

Dumbledore stared, and then suddenly said, "Let's have a bar-b-que!"

Voldemort blinked, shut his brain off, and then tried to think.

**On the Moon-**

"Not again. What about this one?"

**In the Great Hall-**

Voldemort felt strange, he felt bigger, and heavier.

He looked down, and saw four white and black legs.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Voldemort was a cow.

Dumbledore, in his apron and chief's hat, started to sharpen his knives.

"Obe-Ron, if you'll do the honors."

Obe-Ron nodded, waved his hand, and Voldemort turned into a plate of hamburgers.

"But wait!" Said Harry's puppet. "Something's missing."

They all looked to Potato Snape.

Obe-Ron waved his hand, and Snape turned into a plate of French fries.

"Hooray!" Everyone said, while they all enjoyed a bar-b-que.

**On the Moon-**

"Remember children, never shut your brain off, unless you don't plan on thinking."

**_The End_**

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Me- Well, there you have it.

Snape- That sucked.

Me- hurrumph. Well if you didn't like it you needn't say so. That's just a waste of life and isn't pleasant.

Snape- I'm not being pleasant, I'm being truthful.

Me- Or disdainful.

Snape- Same difference.

Me- Aren't you going to reveal what was inside your head?

Snape- Eventually.

Me- Why not now?

Snape- ok. I saw cheese.

Me- (gasp) I knew it.

Snape- Sure.

Me- Thank you persons for reading my story. I wrote it for a friend's birthday and it was rather rushed, so if thereare some misspellings I am most sorry. I wrote it in about two days. (nervous laugh) Sooo...yes. That's about it.

Eventually I will start posting the sequel, but for now I must bid you adou.


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